2014. It's a big year for me. I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior in 1999, so this year is the 15th anniversary of my second birth. I wish I could remember the exact date, but I can't. I know it was summer though so I've picked a date. After looking at a 1999 calendar, and knowing it was a weekend, I chose July 17th. I want to do some thing special to celebrate and commemorate what God did for me that day, I'm just not sure what that will be yet.
The real reason I'm writing today though is because so far 2014 has been a very difficult year. It began towards the end of last year, and it's not only the unrelenting winter we've had since November. It's all the circumstances of my life these past 6 months. I've been in a season of suffering and it's been a season I've wanted to desperately to escape. My suffering may not seem like much to some, in fact I know most wouldn't even count it as suffering in comparison to what other's have to suffer with and through.
I know it when I try to share my particular form of suffering with friends on Facebook and I get no response at all. It's a raw kind of hurt that seems to scare people away when I try to get real about it. And, it's not the acceptable form of suffering that draws much support and sympathy from friends and loved ones. Suffering with a critically ill spouse, the sudden death of a loved one or infertility are all forms of suffering that find people rallying around with kind words and prayers and many forms of support.
And when I try to share in person with words that come from my heart like I did recently in a women's bible study, I get blank stares, blinking eyes and a quick change of subject. I confess I am jealous of those people that have suffering that gets them support, which sounds horrible I know. It's extremely hard to suffer in any way at all, but in a way that people don't understand and back away from. That's so very difficult.
My particular form of suffering, that which God has allowed in my life, is singleness. In 2014 I will be celebrating my 59th birthday. And I have been single all of those years. I see as I read back to my first post here that was about my singleness as well. It's been an overriding theme over the years both before and after I was born again. My dream to be married and to be a wife. To be married to a husband who I loved and who loved me. Someone to share life with, the good and the bad, the ups and the downs. Someone to talk to, to listen to. A godly man who was also a special best friend. And as I look at retirement looming closer each year, at this time of my life I would love to have someone to spend my retirement years with.
I know, I know, I know. There are no guarantees with marriage. The divorce rate is high, even among believers and followers of Christ. And marriage is rarely happily ever after but is very hard work which isn't great when only one spouse is doing that hard work. But my two closest friends have been married 40 and 35 years respectively, and even with the ups and downs of their married lives, I'm pretty sure neither one would want to trade places with me.
I thought after I was reborn in Christ that then the dream would be answered and it became a prayer. I was so thankful God had spared me from the pain of divorce and was sure He had saved me for marriage to a good and godly man. To my list of wants for a husband and marriage I added praying together and studying God's Word together.
But as the years passed with no response to that prayer, and with one disappointment after another I lost hope and didn't pray as often. In 2009 as I related in my first post here I surrendered my right to love and my expectation for marriage. Looking back I know I still held the hope that God would answer my prayer though and grant me my dream. An also over 50 single relative of mine I know has prayed for me in this area more than I have in the past couple of years. I was never sure, never really sure that I had heard a "No" from God in response to that prayer for marriage and still always had a flicker of hope that the response all these years was "Wait".
Many times I could see God at work in some area of my life or another and it would be clear to me He was doing this in preparation for me to be a wife. I certainly can agree that after all these years of singleness, it would be a real work of God to make me into a wife! Other times I just didn't see anything going on, and to be honest I was happy with my life. I've been able to say on more than one occasion that if I had to be the single one, I was the best choice.
Then earlier this year, as I was reading a devotional a verse from God's Word jumped off the page at me. This verse I have read many times before suddenly was very personal and just for me. I love it when God's Word becomes personal and I know He's telling me something wonderful. This time it was a hard thing to read and know it was just for me.
Hebrews 11: 13, All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth.
There it was, after long years of dreams and prayer I had God's answer. I used to always claim Hebrews 11: 1 , Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
But Hebrews 11: 13 told me clearly I was to live by faith until I die. Now I know none of us are promised marriage, or children or wealth in this world. None of those are promises of God. So I know the next line of the verse isn't talking about those kind of promises, for me I saw clearly through this verse that day that God just wants me to live by faith looking to heaven because this world is not my home. I'm not to dream any more about a home with a husband but fix my eyes on my heavenly home.
It was a clear "No" that I received from God that day. God always answers prayers. We love to say that when the answer is what we want and hope for, it's very hard when the answer isn't.
So, I'll be stopping here from time to time as I try to work out this answer from God that has resulted in even more pain and suffering for me. I read that God works out our salvation, or sanctification through suffering; and I know this is the way of suffering He was chosen for me right now. I believe He is working it all out for my good and His Glory. I pray that through this process I will grow stronger in faith and also in love for my Jesus, my Savior.
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