Sunday, April 13, 2014
Family is Family
Is my family any more dysfunctional that the next? I suppose it's not as bad as some, but from my viewpoint it's right up there.
When I finally admitted to myself that I needed a savior and accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior of my life; I was so sure that soon the rest of my extended family would follow. That through Christ we would be the family I'd always dreamt of. I remember as a kid looking around one Christmas at the eight of us (six siblings plus mom and dad), and thinking what a huge group we would be once we all married and had kids of our own. Oh, the fun gatherings to come!
How things have changed in my family since that Christmas. My parents have been divorced for over 35 years now. None of my siblings and I are married - four of us have never married, two are divorced. There are five children among us, two born to unmarried parents (this is where I fall - a single parent from the day my son was born). One brother and I are grandparents now adding a few more to our extended family.
There are estrangements between several of us, one brothers whereabouts were unknown for several years and until last year I was afraid he may have been dead. One of my sisters and one nephew have chosen to cut themselves off completely from the entire family. The rest of us see each other by chance, rarely by plan. Facebook has been a place I can at least stay in contact with some and it's better than nothing.
Just your average 21st century dysfunctional family and 15 years after I accepted Christ I see little change in my extended family. It seems to be getting only worse. We all need Jesus, and I fear I have been a poor window on what a Christian and believer of Christ is. I have been a poor witness and wanting to improve I tried more Bible study, more devotional time, more focusing on God and cutting myself off from the influences of the world. I prayed for my family more, although I feel I am far from the intercessory prayer warrior I could be.
What I've had wrong is that it's not up to me, it's up to God and each person what their response will be when He knocks on the door of their heart. It's a personal relationship and in the past months I've been reminded how often God knocked on my heart before I finally answered Him. I'd turn away, think "not now", allow the world to distract me and tell me I wasn't good enough. Worse yet, to tell me I was just fine the way I was. Why is it always so much easier to listen to the lies of this world than to the Truth of God? And how can I expect it will be any easier for my family to let go than it was for me?
I've also learned my reason for desiring my family's salvation has been very selfish. I wanted them to become the people I thought they should be, and saw Jesus Christ as a way to that end. A happy and functional family is a good thing, but I'm learning to surrender my desires for my family to God's will and His timing. It's not easy. I mourn for my family and long for us to be closer. Now. Keeping my eyes on Christ and surrendering to God's plan is a moment by moment struggle. This letting go of my dreams and desires for my family is hard. I keep praying and trusting them all in God's Hand though because He is my only Hope as well as theirs.
Revelation 21:5 (ESV) And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
Sunday, April 6, 2014
2014 Is A Big Year
It's been several years since I've been here. I'd forgotten about this blog until just recently, and since a lot has been on my mind I think it's providential that I'm here again. I've been trying to write in a hard copy journal since I received it from a friend for Christmas, but that goes in fits and starts, my mind flies faster than my hand can follow. At least I can type a bit faster!
2014. It's a big year for me. I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior in 1999, so this year is the 15th anniversary of my second birth. I wish I could remember the exact date, but I can't. I know it was summer though so I've picked a date. After looking at a 1999 calendar, and knowing it was a weekend, I chose July 17th. I want to do some thing special to celebrate and commemorate what God did for me that day, I'm just not sure what that will be yet.
The real reason I'm writing today though is because so far 2014 has been a very difficult year. It began towards the end of last year, and it's not only the unrelenting winter we've had since November. It's all the circumstances of my life these past 6 months. I've been in a season of suffering and it's been a season I've wanted to desperately to escape. My suffering may not seem like much to some, in fact I know most wouldn't even count it as suffering in comparison to what other's have to suffer with and through.
I know it when I try to share my particular form of suffering with friends on Facebook and I get no response at all. It's a raw kind of hurt that seems to scare people away when I try to get real about it. And, it's not the acceptable form of suffering that draws much support and sympathy from friends and loved ones. Suffering with a critically ill spouse, the sudden death of a loved one or infertility are all forms of suffering that find people rallying around with kind words and prayers and many forms of support.
And when I try to share in person with words that come from my heart like I did recently in a women's bible study, I get blank stares, blinking eyes and a quick change of subject. I confess I am jealous of those people that have suffering that gets them support, which sounds horrible I know. It's extremely hard to suffer in any way at all, but in a way that people don't understand and back away from. That's so very difficult.
My particular form of suffering, that which God has allowed in my life, is singleness. In 2014 I will be celebrating my 59th birthday. And I have been single all of those years. I see as I read back to my first post here that was about my singleness as well. It's been an overriding theme over the years both before and after I was born again. My dream to be married and to be a wife. To be married to a husband who I loved and who loved me. Someone to share life with, the good and the bad, the ups and the downs. Someone to talk to, to listen to. A godly man who was also a special best friend. And as I look at retirement looming closer each year, at this time of my life I would love to have someone to spend my retirement years with.
I know, I know, I know. There are no guarantees with marriage. The divorce rate is high, even among believers and followers of Christ. And marriage is rarely happily ever after but is very hard work which isn't great when only one spouse is doing that hard work. But my two closest friends have been married 40 and 35 years respectively, and even with the ups and downs of their married lives, I'm pretty sure neither one would want to trade places with me.
I thought after I was reborn in Christ that then the dream would be answered and it became a prayer. I was so thankful God had spared me from the pain of divorce and was sure He had saved me for marriage to a good and godly man. To my list of wants for a husband and marriage I added praying together and studying God's Word together.
But as the years passed with no response to that prayer, and with one disappointment after another I lost hope and didn't pray as often. In 2009 as I related in my first post here I surrendered my right to love and my expectation for marriage. Looking back I know I still held the hope that God would answer my prayer though and grant me my dream. An also over 50 single relative of mine I know has prayed for me in this area more than I have in the past couple of years. I was never sure, never really sure that I had heard a "No" from God in response to that prayer for marriage and still always had a flicker of hope that the response all these years was "Wait".
Many times I could see God at work in some area of my life or another and it would be clear to me He was doing this in preparation for me to be a wife. I certainly can agree that after all these years of singleness, it would be a real work of God to make me into a wife! Other times I just didn't see anything going on, and to be honest I was happy with my life. I've been able to say on more than one occasion that if I had to be the single one, I was the best choice.
Then earlier this year, as I was reading a devotional a verse from God's Word jumped off the page at me. This verse I have read many times before suddenly was very personal and just for me. I love it when God's Word becomes personal and I know He's telling me something wonderful. This time it was a hard thing to read and know it was just for me.
Hebrews 11: 13, All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth.
There it was, after long years of dreams and prayer I had God's answer. I used to always claim Hebrews 11: 1 , Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
2014. It's a big year for me. I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior in 1999, so this year is the 15th anniversary of my second birth. I wish I could remember the exact date, but I can't. I know it was summer though so I've picked a date. After looking at a 1999 calendar, and knowing it was a weekend, I chose July 17th. I want to do some thing special to celebrate and commemorate what God did for me that day, I'm just not sure what that will be yet.
The real reason I'm writing today though is because so far 2014 has been a very difficult year. It began towards the end of last year, and it's not only the unrelenting winter we've had since November. It's all the circumstances of my life these past 6 months. I've been in a season of suffering and it's been a season I've wanted to desperately to escape. My suffering may not seem like much to some, in fact I know most wouldn't even count it as suffering in comparison to what other's have to suffer with and through.
I know it when I try to share my particular form of suffering with friends on Facebook and I get no response at all. It's a raw kind of hurt that seems to scare people away when I try to get real about it. And, it's not the acceptable form of suffering that draws much support and sympathy from friends and loved ones. Suffering with a critically ill spouse, the sudden death of a loved one or infertility are all forms of suffering that find people rallying around with kind words and prayers and many forms of support.
And when I try to share in person with words that come from my heart like I did recently in a women's bible study, I get blank stares, blinking eyes and a quick change of subject. I confess I am jealous of those people that have suffering that gets them support, which sounds horrible I know. It's extremely hard to suffer in any way at all, but in a way that people don't understand and back away from. That's so very difficult.
My particular form of suffering, that which God has allowed in my life, is singleness. In 2014 I will be celebrating my 59th birthday. And I have been single all of those years. I see as I read back to my first post here that was about my singleness as well. It's been an overriding theme over the years both before and after I was born again. My dream to be married and to be a wife. To be married to a husband who I loved and who loved me. Someone to share life with, the good and the bad, the ups and the downs. Someone to talk to, to listen to. A godly man who was also a special best friend. And as I look at retirement looming closer each year, at this time of my life I would love to have someone to spend my retirement years with.
I know, I know, I know. There are no guarantees with marriage. The divorce rate is high, even among believers and followers of Christ. And marriage is rarely happily ever after but is very hard work which isn't great when only one spouse is doing that hard work. But my two closest friends have been married 40 and 35 years respectively, and even with the ups and downs of their married lives, I'm pretty sure neither one would want to trade places with me.
I thought after I was reborn in Christ that then the dream would be answered and it became a prayer. I was so thankful God had spared me from the pain of divorce and was sure He had saved me for marriage to a good and godly man. To my list of wants for a husband and marriage I added praying together and studying God's Word together.
But as the years passed with no response to that prayer, and with one disappointment after another I lost hope and didn't pray as often. In 2009 as I related in my first post here I surrendered my right to love and my expectation for marriage. Looking back I know I still held the hope that God would answer my prayer though and grant me my dream. An also over 50 single relative of mine I know has prayed for me in this area more than I have in the past couple of years. I was never sure, never really sure that I had heard a "No" from God in response to that prayer for marriage and still always had a flicker of hope that the response all these years was "Wait".
Many times I could see God at work in some area of my life or another and it would be clear to me He was doing this in preparation for me to be a wife. I certainly can agree that after all these years of singleness, it would be a real work of God to make me into a wife! Other times I just didn't see anything going on, and to be honest I was happy with my life. I've been able to say on more than one occasion that if I had to be the single one, I was the best choice.
Then earlier this year, as I was reading a devotional a verse from God's Word jumped off the page at me. This verse I have read many times before suddenly was very personal and just for me. I love it when God's Word becomes personal and I know He's telling me something wonderful. This time it was a hard thing to read and know it was just for me.
Hebrews 11: 13, All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth.
There it was, after long years of dreams and prayer I had God's answer. I used to always claim Hebrews 11: 1 , Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
But Hebrews 11: 13 told me clearly I was to live by faith until I die. Now I know none of us are promised marriage, or children or wealth in this world. None of those are promises of God. So I know the next line of the verse isn't talking about those kind of promises, for me I saw clearly through this verse that day that God just wants me to live by faith looking to heaven because this world is not my home. I'm not to dream any more about a home with a husband but fix my eyes on my heavenly home.
It was a clear "No" that I received from God that day. God always answers prayers. We love to say that when the answer is what we want and hope for, it's very hard when the answer isn't.
So, I'll be stopping here from time to time as I try to work out this answer from God that has resulted in even more pain and suffering for me. I read that God works out our salvation, or sanctification through suffering; and I know this is the way of suffering He was chosen for me right now. I believe He is working it all out for my good and His Glory. I pray that through this process I will grow stronger in faith and also in love for my Jesus, my Savior.
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