Sunday, April 13, 2014
Family is Family
Is my family any more dysfunctional that the next? I suppose it's not as bad as some, but from my viewpoint it's right up there.
When I finally admitted to myself that I needed a savior and accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior of my life; I was so sure that soon the rest of my extended family would follow. That through Christ we would be the family I'd always dreamt of. I remember as a kid looking around one Christmas at the eight of us (six siblings plus mom and dad), and thinking what a huge group we would be once we all married and had kids of our own. Oh, the fun gatherings to come!
How things have changed in my family since that Christmas. My parents have been divorced for over 35 years now. None of my siblings and I are married - four of us have never married, two are divorced. There are five children among us, two born to unmarried parents (this is where I fall - a single parent from the day my son was born). One brother and I are grandparents now adding a few more to our extended family.
There are estrangements between several of us, one brothers whereabouts were unknown for several years and until last year I was afraid he may have been dead. One of my sisters and one nephew have chosen to cut themselves off completely from the entire family. The rest of us see each other by chance, rarely by plan. Facebook has been a place I can at least stay in contact with some and it's better than nothing.
Just your average 21st century dysfunctional family and 15 years after I accepted Christ I see little change in my extended family. It seems to be getting only worse. We all need Jesus, and I fear I have been a poor window on what a Christian and believer of Christ is. I have been a poor witness and wanting to improve I tried more Bible study, more devotional time, more focusing on God and cutting myself off from the influences of the world. I prayed for my family more, although I feel I am far from the intercessory prayer warrior I could be.
What I've had wrong is that it's not up to me, it's up to God and each person what their response will be when He knocks on the door of their heart. It's a personal relationship and in the past months I've been reminded how often God knocked on my heart before I finally answered Him. I'd turn away, think "not now", allow the world to distract me and tell me I wasn't good enough. Worse yet, to tell me I was just fine the way I was. Why is it always so much easier to listen to the lies of this world than to the Truth of God? And how can I expect it will be any easier for my family to let go than it was for me?
I've also learned my reason for desiring my family's salvation has been very selfish. I wanted them to become the people I thought they should be, and saw Jesus Christ as a way to that end. A happy and functional family is a good thing, but I'm learning to surrender my desires for my family to God's will and His timing. It's not easy. I mourn for my family and long for us to be closer. Now. Keeping my eyes on Christ and surrendering to God's plan is a moment by moment struggle. This letting go of my dreams and desires for my family is hard. I keep praying and trusting them all in God's Hand though because He is my only Hope as well as theirs.
Revelation 21:5 (ESV) And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
Sunday, April 6, 2014
2014 Is A Big Year
It's been several years since I've been here. I'd forgotten about this blog until just recently, and since a lot has been on my mind I think it's providential that I'm here again. I've been trying to write in a hard copy journal since I received it from a friend for Christmas, but that goes in fits and starts, my mind flies faster than my hand can follow. At least I can type a bit faster!
2014. It's a big year for me. I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior in 1999, so this year is the 15th anniversary of my second birth. I wish I could remember the exact date, but I can't. I know it was summer though so I've picked a date. After looking at a 1999 calendar, and knowing it was a weekend, I chose July 17th. I want to do some thing special to celebrate and commemorate what God did for me that day, I'm just not sure what that will be yet.
The real reason I'm writing today though is because so far 2014 has been a very difficult year. It began towards the end of last year, and it's not only the unrelenting winter we've had since November. It's all the circumstances of my life these past 6 months. I've been in a season of suffering and it's been a season I've wanted to desperately to escape. My suffering may not seem like much to some, in fact I know most wouldn't even count it as suffering in comparison to what other's have to suffer with and through.
I know it when I try to share my particular form of suffering with friends on Facebook and I get no response at all. It's a raw kind of hurt that seems to scare people away when I try to get real about it. And, it's not the acceptable form of suffering that draws much support and sympathy from friends and loved ones. Suffering with a critically ill spouse, the sudden death of a loved one or infertility are all forms of suffering that find people rallying around with kind words and prayers and many forms of support.
And when I try to share in person with words that come from my heart like I did recently in a women's bible study, I get blank stares, blinking eyes and a quick change of subject. I confess I am jealous of those people that have suffering that gets them support, which sounds horrible I know. It's extremely hard to suffer in any way at all, but in a way that people don't understand and back away from. That's so very difficult.
My particular form of suffering, that which God has allowed in my life, is singleness. In 2014 I will be celebrating my 59th birthday. And I have been single all of those years. I see as I read back to my first post here that was about my singleness as well. It's been an overriding theme over the years both before and after I was born again. My dream to be married and to be a wife. To be married to a husband who I loved and who loved me. Someone to share life with, the good and the bad, the ups and the downs. Someone to talk to, to listen to. A godly man who was also a special best friend. And as I look at retirement looming closer each year, at this time of my life I would love to have someone to spend my retirement years with.
I know, I know, I know. There are no guarantees with marriage. The divorce rate is high, even among believers and followers of Christ. And marriage is rarely happily ever after but is very hard work which isn't great when only one spouse is doing that hard work. But my two closest friends have been married 40 and 35 years respectively, and even with the ups and downs of their married lives, I'm pretty sure neither one would want to trade places with me.
I thought after I was reborn in Christ that then the dream would be answered and it became a prayer. I was so thankful God had spared me from the pain of divorce and was sure He had saved me for marriage to a good and godly man. To my list of wants for a husband and marriage I added praying together and studying God's Word together.
But as the years passed with no response to that prayer, and with one disappointment after another I lost hope and didn't pray as often. In 2009 as I related in my first post here I surrendered my right to love and my expectation for marriage. Looking back I know I still held the hope that God would answer my prayer though and grant me my dream. An also over 50 single relative of mine I know has prayed for me in this area more than I have in the past couple of years. I was never sure, never really sure that I had heard a "No" from God in response to that prayer for marriage and still always had a flicker of hope that the response all these years was "Wait".
Many times I could see God at work in some area of my life or another and it would be clear to me He was doing this in preparation for me to be a wife. I certainly can agree that after all these years of singleness, it would be a real work of God to make me into a wife! Other times I just didn't see anything going on, and to be honest I was happy with my life. I've been able to say on more than one occasion that if I had to be the single one, I was the best choice.
Then earlier this year, as I was reading a devotional a verse from God's Word jumped off the page at me. This verse I have read many times before suddenly was very personal and just for me. I love it when God's Word becomes personal and I know He's telling me something wonderful. This time it was a hard thing to read and know it was just for me.
Hebrews 11: 13, All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth.
There it was, after long years of dreams and prayer I had God's answer. I used to always claim Hebrews 11: 1 , Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
2014. It's a big year for me. I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior in 1999, so this year is the 15th anniversary of my second birth. I wish I could remember the exact date, but I can't. I know it was summer though so I've picked a date. After looking at a 1999 calendar, and knowing it was a weekend, I chose July 17th. I want to do some thing special to celebrate and commemorate what God did for me that day, I'm just not sure what that will be yet.
The real reason I'm writing today though is because so far 2014 has been a very difficult year. It began towards the end of last year, and it's not only the unrelenting winter we've had since November. It's all the circumstances of my life these past 6 months. I've been in a season of suffering and it's been a season I've wanted to desperately to escape. My suffering may not seem like much to some, in fact I know most wouldn't even count it as suffering in comparison to what other's have to suffer with and through.
I know it when I try to share my particular form of suffering with friends on Facebook and I get no response at all. It's a raw kind of hurt that seems to scare people away when I try to get real about it. And, it's not the acceptable form of suffering that draws much support and sympathy from friends and loved ones. Suffering with a critically ill spouse, the sudden death of a loved one or infertility are all forms of suffering that find people rallying around with kind words and prayers and many forms of support.
And when I try to share in person with words that come from my heart like I did recently in a women's bible study, I get blank stares, blinking eyes and a quick change of subject. I confess I am jealous of those people that have suffering that gets them support, which sounds horrible I know. It's extremely hard to suffer in any way at all, but in a way that people don't understand and back away from. That's so very difficult.
My particular form of suffering, that which God has allowed in my life, is singleness. In 2014 I will be celebrating my 59th birthday. And I have been single all of those years. I see as I read back to my first post here that was about my singleness as well. It's been an overriding theme over the years both before and after I was born again. My dream to be married and to be a wife. To be married to a husband who I loved and who loved me. Someone to share life with, the good and the bad, the ups and the downs. Someone to talk to, to listen to. A godly man who was also a special best friend. And as I look at retirement looming closer each year, at this time of my life I would love to have someone to spend my retirement years with.
I know, I know, I know. There are no guarantees with marriage. The divorce rate is high, even among believers and followers of Christ. And marriage is rarely happily ever after but is very hard work which isn't great when only one spouse is doing that hard work. But my two closest friends have been married 40 and 35 years respectively, and even with the ups and downs of their married lives, I'm pretty sure neither one would want to trade places with me.
I thought after I was reborn in Christ that then the dream would be answered and it became a prayer. I was so thankful God had spared me from the pain of divorce and was sure He had saved me for marriage to a good and godly man. To my list of wants for a husband and marriage I added praying together and studying God's Word together.
But as the years passed with no response to that prayer, and with one disappointment after another I lost hope and didn't pray as often. In 2009 as I related in my first post here I surrendered my right to love and my expectation for marriage. Looking back I know I still held the hope that God would answer my prayer though and grant me my dream. An also over 50 single relative of mine I know has prayed for me in this area more than I have in the past couple of years. I was never sure, never really sure that I had heard a "No" from God in response to that prayer for marriage and still always had a flicker of hope that the response all these years was "Wait".
Many times I could see God at work in some area of my life or another and it would be clear to me He was doing this in preparation for me to be a wife. I certainly can agree that after all these years of singleness, it would be a real work of God to make me into a wife! Other times I just didn't see anything going on, and to be honest I was happy with my life. I've been able to say on more than one occasion that if I had to be the single one, I was the best choice.
Then earlier this year, as I was reading a devotional a verse from God's Word jumped off the page at me. This verse I have read many times before suddenly was very personal and just for me. I love it when God's Word becomes personal and I know He's telling me something wonderful. This time it was a hard thing to read and know it was just for me.
Hebrews 11: 13, All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth.
There it was, after long years of dreams and prayer I had God's answer. I used to always claim Hebrews 11: 1 , Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
But Hebrews 11: 13 told me clearly I was to live by faith until I die. Now I know none of us are promised marriage, or children or wealth in this world. None of those are promises of God. So I know the next line of the verse isn't talking about those kind of promises, for me I saw clearly through this verse that day that God just wants me to live by faith looking to heaven because this world is not my home. I'm not to dream any more about a home with a husband but fix my eyes on my heavenly home.
It was a clear "No" that I received from God that day. God always answers prayers. We love to say that when the answer is what we want and hope for, it's very hard when the answer isn't.
So, I'll be stopping here from time to time as I try to work out this answer from God that has resulted in even more pain and suffering for me. I read that God works out our salvation, or sanctification through suffering; and I know this is the way of suffering He was chosen for me right now. I believe He is working it all out for my good and His Glory. I pray that through this process I will grow stronger in faith and also in love for my Jesus, my Savior.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
2009 - 2012 Lost on Facebook
I' ve proven to not be much of a blogger! I started in 2009 and quickly fizzled after my first post. I think about that same time I discovered Facebook and that took over my attention. But now Facebook has lost my attention and I was reminded of this blog. I spend far too much time on a computer all day long at work, so I won't be here much, but with no followers that's OK!
What's happened since I last blogged? Years by the calendar and as a scrapbooker I should be capturing the days and weeks and months that have filled those years in photos and journaling, but I haven't. The scrapbooks for those years sit waiting to be competed - maybe here I can get back on track with that too.
The biggest change is my relationship with Jesus. He is my all in all, my comfort, my peace - my El Roi. He sees me, I am not invisible to Him and He meets me daily in my need for Him. All my life I've needed only Him and the surrendering I did in 2009 has lead me to a better place with Him.
Oh, I still have moments when I forget and moments that can spin quickly into days and weeks when I give back into despair over my life that is so far from what I ever dreamed or hoped for. But then I spend time with Him in His Word and in prayer and in worship and it becomes clear that He is my all in all.
What's happened since I last blogged? Years by the calendar and as a scrapbooker I should be capturing the days and weeks and months that have filled those years in photos and journaling, but I haven't. The scrapbooks for those years sit waiting to be competed - maybe here I can get back on track with that too.
The biggest change is my relationship with Jesus. He is my all in all, my comfort, my peace - my El Roi. He sees me, I am not invisible to Him and He meets me daily in my need for Him. All my life I've needed only Him and the surrendering I did in 2009 has lead me to a better place with Him.
Oh, I still have moments when I forget and moments that can spin quickly into days and weeks when I give back into despair over my life that is so far from what I ever dreamed or hoped for. But then I spend time with Him in His Word and in prayer and in worship and it becomes clear that He is my all in all.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
My Agenda
I accepted Christ with an agenda.
Don’t we all have an agenda? I usually do and when I came to that point of surrender to Jesus it was with a laundry list of “wants and needs” clutched in my fist. I held that list up to Him and said, “OK, I’ve tried every way I can to get this list fulfilled and nothing I’ve tried has worked, I can’t think of anything else to do so I guess I’ll try You.” Not much of a surrender really, but God surely saw my heart because I know He started changing me from that moment.
The number one thing on my list, the only thing of real importance to me, was a husband. I wanted to be married, happily married, to the man of my dreams who would love and cherish and care for me all the days of our life together. Single all of my life I was in anguish to get what had eluded me for so long. I was desolate, I was inconsolable, I was confused and I was afraid. Why was marriage something that had eluded me? I didn’t want to be the only one of my friends never to marry or celebrate a 25th or even a 50th wedding anniversary. I don’t know why that seemed so important, but I would count and think something like this, “OK, if I met the right man today and we married in 6 months (we’re both old enough to know when it’s right and won’t need a long engagement), we would still be young enough to be able to celebrate a 25th anniversary. Like being married for 25 years would really validate the marriage??
I was 44 when I was born again in Christ and today I am 54, and still single.
I became a parent at the age of 22, a single mom raising a son on her own I was always so sure that one day our family would grow to include a husband for me, a dad for my son and another child or two. I never really had any dreams beyond having a happy family of my own. Just like the one I thought I was raised in, but discovered as a teenager wasn’t as perfect as I’d always believed.
Dating always came hard for me. I didn’t meet men easily and thought it was my circumstances. As a single parent I worked full time, evenings and met all the wrong kind of men in the bar after work. I saw plenty of people meeting and having relationships that lead to marriage, but for me it never happened. It wasn’t for lack of trying though! I tried many dating services and read and tried many self-help ideas for finding and marrying the man of my dreams. When I accepted Christ it was like a light came on and as I drank in God’s Word and began meeting other believers I was so thankful that I’d never married the wrong man and never been divorced. I realized God had saved me from a loveless marriage and from marriage to a non-believer. With my agenda still firmly in place I was absolutely sure that God had saved me from these things because He had a godly man in mind for me. All in God’s time, right? So, I had held up my end of the bargain, I had finally surrendered to Christ and started looking around expectantly for that perfect man of God’s choosing to come into my life.
He didn’t.
I remember once back before I was born again my father telling me that I would never meet a nice man in a bar, that I should join a church. Well as a new believer I did seek out and join a church. You know what I discovered? Men of my age, single men of my age that is, do not attend church. Now that may be different in other parts of the country, but in rural NW WI, single men in the 40-60 age group simply do not attend church. To be honest, not many married men do!
It took a few years, but as 50 loomed I began to get very discouraged and mad at God. Why wasn’t He coming through for me in this “gift” of marriage that He had bestowed on so many but was witholding from me? I really gave up on Him at this point and for the next couple of years ate my way from 220 pounds to 270 pounds. Already overweight to start with, I was even more miserable and looked it. I was also very unhealthy and at the end of 2006 during a health crisis learned I had type II diabetes. I was forced to clean up my eating and went into it eager to prove I could do it with diet alone, no drugs for me!
I quickly lost 20 pounds on my own and then joined a Christian weight loss program at a local church that was very strict. Low calorie, restricted eating plan, weighing and writing down every ounce of food in a diary that was checked closely each week during a weekly meeting, a long list of “don’t eats” and daily studies on what to think and how to pray and turn our focus on God. It worked too, I lost another 30 pounds – 50 pounds lost in one year and I was ecstatic! I still had 70 pounds to lose to my goal weight, but with these tools I was doing it. I felt so good about myself and was even getting hopeful about my agenda again. I tried to keep pushing it back in my mind though, tried so hard to keep my focus on Christ and not what I wanted. I really didn’t understand what surrender meant though.
I thought if I surrendered something to God, then in His timing I would get it. I was sincere and really believed this. After all, it wasn’t like I was falling into a naming and claiming it kind of religion. All I’d ever wanted was the one thing, which had expanded now into “a loving and godly husband who would love & cherish me as God loved & cherished the church and who I would love and respect and care for” all the days that God ordained for us as man and wife. This was a good thing to desire, a good thing that I had seen God give to so many people and I still so struggled with why He had singled me out for the “gift” of singleness.
At the end of 2008 our Christian weight loss group came to an end and all through 2009 I have slowly given in and fallen back to my old eating habits. I’ve gained back more weight that I care to know about and avoid the scale – my clothing tells the story, getting tighter and tighter as the days and weeks go by. I’ve tried several times to “get back on track” with my eating only to fail again and again and I am miserable about how I look and how I feel and worried about my health. I even sent out a big long post to all my friends on Facebook about my weight loss journey and my plans and goals for this year – only to fail before I’d even started.
Enter Grace Walk. We started this Bible study at church on Sept 27th. A 1 hour DVD for 8 weeks along with a workbook. Sounded easy, no homework, no stress about not getting the daily work done like some other studies we’ve done; so I gladly agreed to participate. I missed the first session, and then the second but was able to borrow the DVD and watch at home. I was immediately struck by how different this study was and saw clearly that I was definitely a rules person and definitely the older brother in the story of the prodigal son. It just all made sense and even though I was terrified to do it, felt God had been leading me to this point and I did the surrender worksheet at the end of week two.
One of the items on the list was to surrender my right to be loved. With that item I finally began to get a glimmer of what surrendering really is. We surrender it ALL to God – even our rights. I’m not to have any expectation for more than what God gives me, and He’s already given me it all. He’s given me Jesus. Many times I have cried out to God, “Yes, You’ve given me Jesus but you gave [xxxxxxx] Jesus AND marriage to a loving, godly husband as well. Why can’t I have both? I should get both like so many other do!”
Surrendering my rights, my expectations – those things were very hard to surrender and I still find myself thinking, “I don’t get anything,” feeling so sorry for myself. “Why me God, why am I the one who doesn’t get this that You have given to so many?” But I surrendered my rights to anything more than what God has for me. His Word tells me that He has good plans for me and that He will work all things out for good. Even this. But what is better than a loving marriage? For years I was afraid God would change my heart and make me happy with my singleness and bring me to a place of being able to say how good it was that I never married because whatever it was that I finally saw He gave me was so much better. I didn’t want to come to that place. I'm not there yet either! I still feel myself fighting that, even though I have surrendered my right to this dream ever being fulfilled. I have to keep reminding myself.
Last week I had a shock – I came to Christ with an agenda in my hand and He was the answer to everything on my list. Jesus loves and cherishes me with the love that I’ve been looking for in a loving, godly husband. Jesus, just Jesus, only Jesus.
I am so in tears as I write this because I still want the rest, still grieving for the earthly husband that I surrendered, but I wonder if I hadn’t been hanging on so tightly to my agenda; if these past 10 years would have been full of more peace and rest instead of the striving they have contained. I don’t know. I do know I have a lot to learn about this grace that Jesus gave me 10 years ago and that I am just beginning to discover with His help.
Don’t we all have an agenda? I usually do and when I came to that point of surrender to Jesus it was with a laundry list of “wants and needs” clutched in my fist. I held that list up to Him and said, “OK, I’ve tried every way I can to get this list fulfilled and nothing I’ve tried has worked, I can’t think of anything else to do so I guess I’ll try You.” Not much of a surrender really, but God surely saw my heart because I know He started changing me from that moment.
The number one thing on my list, the only thing of real importance to me, was a husband. I wanted to be married, happily married, to the man of my dreams who would love and cherish and care for me all the days of our life together. Single all of my life I was in anguish to get what had eluded me for so long. I was desolate, I was inconsolable, I was confused and I was afraid. Why was marriage something that had eluded me? I didn’t want to be the only one of my friends never to marry or celebrate a 25th or even a 50th wedding anniversary. I don’t know why that seemed so important, but I would count and think something like this, “OK, if I met the right man today and we married in 6 months (we’re both old enough to know when it’s right and won’t need a long engagement), we would still be young enough to be able to celebrate a 25th anniversary. Like being married for 25 years would really validate the marriage??
I was 44 when I was born again in Christ and today I am 54, and still single.
I became a parent at the age of 22, a single mom raising a son on her own I was always so sure that one day our family would grow to include a husband for me, a dad for my son and another child or two. I never really had any dreams beyond having a happy family of my own. Just like the one I thought I was raised in, but discovered as a teenager wasn’t as perfect as I’d always believed.
Dating always came hard for me. I didn’t meet men easily and thought it was my circumstances. As a single parent I worked full time, evenings and met all the wrong kind of men in the bar after work. I saw plenty of people meeting and having relationships that lead to marriage, but for me it never happened. It wasn’t for lack of trying though! I tried many dating services and read and tried many self-help ideas for finding and marrying the man of my dreams. When I accepted Christ it was like a light came on and as I drank in God’s Word and began meeting other believers I was so thankful that I’d never married the wrong man and never been divorced. I realized God had saved me from a loveless marriage and from marriage to a non-believer. With my agenda still firmly in place I was absolutely sure that God had saved me from these things because He had a godly man in mind for me. All in God’s time, right? So, I had held up my end of the bargain, I had finally surrendered to Christ and started looking around expectantly for that perfect man of God’s choosing to come into my life.
He didn’t.
I remember once back before I was born again my father telling me that I would never meet a nice man in a bar, that I should join a church. Well as a new believer I did seek out and join a church. You know what I discovered? Men of my age, single men of my age that is, do not attend church. Now that may be different in other parts of the country, but in rural NW WI, single men in the 40-60 age group simply do not attend church. To be honest, not many married men do!
It took a few years, but as 50 loomed I began to get very discouraged and mad at God. Why wasn’t He coming through for me in this “gift” of marriage that He had bestowed on so many but was witholding from me? I really gave up on Him at this point and for the next couple of years ate my way from 220 pounds to 270 pounds. Already overweight to start with, I was even more miserable and looked it. I was also very unhealthy and at the end of 2006 during a health crisis learned I had type II diabetes. I was forced to clean up my eating and went into it eager to prove I could do it with diet alone, no drugs for me!
I quickly lost 20 pounds on my own and then joined a Christian weight loss program at a local church that was very strict. Low calorie, restricted eating plan, weighing and writing down every ounce of food in a diary that was checked closely each week during a weekly meeting, a long list of “don’t eats” and daily studies on what to think and how to pray and turn our focus on God. It worked too, I lost another 30 pounds – 50 pounds lost in one year and I was ecstatic! I still had 70 pounds to lose to my goal weight, but with these tools I was doing it. I felt so good about myself and was even getting hopeful about my agenda again. I tried to keep pushing it back in my mind though, tried so hard to keep my focus on Christ and not what I wanted. I really didn’t understand what surrender meant though.
I thought if I surrendered something to God, then in His timing I would get it. I was sincere and really believed this. After all, it wasn’t like I was falling into a naming and claiming it kind of religion. All I’d ever wanted was the one thing, which had expanded now into “a loving and godly husband who would love & cherish me as God loved & cherished the church and who I would love and respect and care for” all the days that God ordained for us as man and wife. This was a good thing to desire, a good thing that I had seen God give to so many people and I still so struggled with why He had singled me out for the “gift” of singleness.
At the end of 2008 our Christian weight loss group came to an end and all through 2009 I have slowly given in and fallen back to my old eating habits. I’ve gained back more weight that I care to know about and avoid the scale – my clothing tells the story, getting tighter and tighter as the days and weeks go by. I’ve tried several times to “get back on track” with my eating only to fail again and again and I am miserable about how I look and how I feel and worried about my health. I even sent out a big long post to all my friends on Facebook about my weight loss journey and my plans and goals for this year – only to fail before I’d even started.
Enter Grace Walk. We started this Bible study at church on Sept 27th. A 1 hour DVD for 8 weeks along with a workbook. Sounded easy, no homework, no stress about not getting the daily work done like some other studies we’ve done; so I gladly agreed to participate. I missed the first session, and then the second but was able to borrow the DVD and watch at home. I was immediately struck by how different this study was and saw clearly that I was definitely a rules person and definitely the older brother in the story of the prodigal son. It just all made sense and even though I was terrified to do it, felt God had been leading me to this point and I did the surrender worksheet at the end of week two.
One of the items on the list was to surrender my right to be loved. With that item I finally began to get a glimmer of what surrendering really is. We surrender it ALL to God – even our rights. I’m not to have any expectation for more than what God gives me, and He’s already given me it all. He’s given me Jesus. Many times I have cried out to God, “Yes, You’ve given me Jesus but you gave [xxxxxxx] Jesus AND marriage to a loving, godly husband as well. Why can’t I have both? I should get both like so many other do!”
Surrendering my rights, my expectations – those things were very hard to surrender and I still find myself thinking, “I don’t get anything,” feeling so sorry for myself. “Why me God, why am I the one who doesn’t get this that You have given to so many?” But I surrendered my rights to anything more than what God has for me. His Word tells me that He has good plans for me and that He will work all things out for good. Even this. But what is better than a loving marriage? For years I was afraid God would change my heart and make me happy with my singleness and bring me to a place of being able to say how good it was that I never married because whatever it was that I finally saw He gave me was so much better. I didn’t want to come to that place. I'm not there yet either! I still feel myself fighting that, even though I have surrendered my right to this dream ever being fulfilled. I have to keep reminding myself.
Last week I had a shock – I came to Christ with an agenda in my hand and He was the answer to everything on my list. Jesus loves and cherishes me with the love that I’ve been looking for in a loving, godly husband. Jesus, just Jesus, only Jesus.
I am so in tears as I write this because I still want the rest, still grieving for the earthly husband that I surrendered, but I wonder if I hadn’t been hanging on so tightly to my agenda; if these past 10 years would have been full of more peace and rest instead of the striving they have contained. I don’t know. I do know I have a lot to learn about this grace that Jesus gave me 10 years ago and that I am just beginning to discover with His help.
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